Black Pitch Press Circa 2003 - 2006


BLACK PITCH PRESS is a loose collective of writers, artists, and jugglers. This was their website. Content is from their 2004-2006 archived pages.

We all car surf. We sleep on park benches. We burn wax statues of ourselves in effigy.

Michael Baker
(Oakland, CA)
Huan-Hua Chye
(Albany, CA)
Kyle Dellamano 
(Columbia, MO)
Fernando Galeano 
(Lafayette, CA)
Justin Heckert
(Atlanta, GA)
Mahanth Joishy
(New York, NY)
Rahul Kamath 
(Albany, CA)
Eugene Kim
(Fremont, CA)
Andrea Kao 
(Berkeley, CA)
Paul Lee 
(Pittsburgh, PA)
Michael Rochmes
(Los Angeles, CA)
Erin Schmidt 
(Los Angeles, CA)
James Yeh
(Berkeley, CA)

2004 Contributors




Take for instance some examples from the 2006 Lost Ledgers, an archive of rare factual information...IMAGE: lostledgersmain.gif and then multiply that by all the other contributors. It's simply mind boggling which is why there are just a few examples on the content that was available on the site's archived pages.

Hitler Still Alive and Painting for Thomas Kinkade
The latest addition to Thomas Kinkade's stable of artists is none other than ex-fascist dictator Adolf Hitler.
Hitler, who had given up a promising career in the arts for politics, decided to return to his first love: painting scenes of provincial life and nature in his adopted home of Vienna.
image: munchen.jpg"
Thomas Kinkade himself says of Hitler, "Because of his celebrity status, people often underestimate his skills as an artist. It's a familiar story, and one to which I can obviously


Fashion Designer Capitalizes On Underwear Trend

Forget the heroin chic. Lose the bell-bottoms. Ditch the tinted cocaine glasses. The next big thing is wearing your underwear on the outside of your pants, says Lorentz Flemmiani, principal designer at the trendy Italy-based garment and textiles consortium Traizan-Pozonga.

"It is what you might say is the most sexiest of fashion parables," Flemmiani effuses, his own blue demin jeans covered with a titanium white pair of designer briefs featuring popular children's characters the Noozles. "There is very little things more sexier to me than a homosex man or young vixens with a fashion garment over their habitual clothing garments. The exo-wear is a sign to 'look at me, notice me, play with me... love me.'"

Sometimes on weekends Flemmiani, co-owner of Saucipo, a fashionable discoteque in Milan, likes to go down to the club just to stare at the kaleidoscopic array of underwear-wearing socialites grinding against each other under the neon lights. "It is the most sexiest thing a man can imagine, so sexy, these hot young babies dancing until early morning, marinating their [sexys] in the giant sweat of the disco, high quality clothing undergarments pressed against their their nubile inner clothing garments." His eyes twinkle with a sense of accomplishment as he tosses back his 6th Bacardi 151, the Euro-dance music pounding over him.

While the image associated with the fashion trend might be hot and bothersome, there's something instantly sobering about the sticker price of Flemmiani's personal stake in the industry; a single pair of his unique preshrunk cotton "underwear as outerwear" runs for nearly 520,000 Italian Lira, or about $350 US dollars.

Flemmiani contends that the price is not extravagant considering what it can do for the average nightlifer. "It is a sexy cost for a more sexiest desire on human apparel wearing," Flemmiani says with a laugh.


George W Bush Resolves to Resolve World Resolutions
At a recent White House press conference, US President George W. Bush resolved to resolve unresolved world resolutions, despite the vast array of unresolved issues needing resolution in US-World relations. "We must maintain our resolve, and... strengthen our resolve in order to resolve the unresolved issues that threaten our national resolve," Bush told a reporter, emphasizing his resolve to resolve the unresolved issues. "We must resolve to... resolve and re-resolve until we can reassert our resolute resolve to stay resolved. Rogue republics resolve to railroad our resolve, but we will resolve to respond with resolve," Bush remarked, his voice resounding with resolve.


Rapper 50 Cent Blasts Colonel Oliver North For Role In Iran Contra Affair
Rapper and political activist 50 Cent has come out with heaters blazing against Colonel Oliver North for his alleged role in the tangled Iran Contra scandal. In an interview in the latest issue of Vibe, 50 had this to say about the sordid ordeal:

"These government n****s like this mofo Oliver North cat are fronting like they all heroic and sh*t with this guns for hostages bullsh*t, but the truth is that they causing all kinds of problems in Nicaragua and the Mid-East -- all praises be and all that sh*t, nahmsaying? It's like, yeah, they saving like 10 people, hostages, you know-- from the US of A!-- nahmsaying, but it's like, there's about 5,000 people dying in Nicaragua during all this. On top of all that, you know, they violating UN sanctions."

50 Cent went on to perform what some political commentators are calling a "verbal drive-by" on President Ronald Reagan, who he described in unequivocal terms as a "braindead Alzheimer's-having motherf***er."

Jason Farmer, a spokesperson from 50's record label Interscope had not read the interview at press time, but didn't believe that the rapper's inflammatory comments would have an effect on album sales. Of course, some beg to differ: the Republican Party, which has traditionally embraced the pro-gun and pro-money sentiments championed in 50's Billboard topping record Get Rich or Die Tryin', is now in the process of organizing a nationwide boycott of the album.


Rare LP of Dr Phils Druggy Late 60s Rock Band Found
Hair Phobias
Beanie Babies Found to Contain Asbestos
Pushing People onto Fire Hydrants
Hitler Nude Photos Found
Morrissey Blasts Morrissey in Interview
Severed Head of Abigail Van Buren Starting to Deteriorate
Not All Germans Gay According to Survey
Karl Rove Owned Slaves Says Former Girlfriend
Surgeon General Says Toxins Good for You
Andrew WK Involved In Bizarre UFO Coverup According to Report
The Cuban Missile Crisis
Bobcat Goldthwait Biography
Lynch Lost Highway Analysis
Will Smith killed Tupac
Failproof Hangover Cure
Jerry Seinfeld Found Dead with Prostitute in Seedy Motel
President Bush Revealed to Have Brain Cancer
A Perfect Day for Weird Al Yankovic by JD Salinger
Elbow Macaroni Contains Cyanide
God Bless America
Monorails are a Good Source of Nutrition
Jeff Goldblum is a Funny Guy
Jeremy Irons
Crack Now the Indie Rock Drug of Choice
Bizarre Synchronicity
The Little Known Life of Genghis Khan Jr
Getting Drunk and Going Swimming is Americas New Pastime
Neuromancer was actually written by Irvine Welsh
A Complete Database of Jewish Nerds