GUY WITH SNOWBLOWER THINKS THERE'S AN ECONOMIC CRISIS ON THE HORIZON
Local "odd-jobsman" Morgan L. Krinkleman says that consumers should cut their losses on any stock they may own because his research shows that they have lost confidence in the economy... READ MORE
EDITORIAL: KIDS THESE DAYS
When I was about 12, Grandpa shoved a putrifying bobcat carcass underneath my bedroom door when I was sleeping. Things just haven't been the same since... READ MORE
ONLY WHEN YOU'RE LATE FOR WORK
Although he may look like a nut dressed only in a filthy baseball cap and jockstrap, Merle Mankin has an opinion, and goddammit he's gonna tell you about it... READ MORE

WOMAN JUMPS FROM TRAIN, BREAKS LAMP

An 89 year old woman from Crump, Illinois jumped off a speeding freight-train early Sunday morning, breaking a very nice lamp that happened to be lying next to the track... READ MORE

ESCAPED CONVICT CLAIMS JESUS STABBED HIM WITH A FORK

Jiminy "Horchata" Ramirez says that an animal with long sideburns who called himself  "Jesus" punched him in the face two times before plunging an 8 inch steak knife and accompanying fork into his chestal region... READ MORE

Why is this picture causing so much controversy? READ MORE

MAN DIVES OFF 700 FOOT BUILDING, ESCAPES WITH KITTEN

Last night, a man described by police as an "insane maniac" dove out of the F.L. Guargum Building after snatching an orange tabby from an androgynous employee whose friends have described as someone would "carry that damn cat everwhere..." READ MORE