WOMAN RUNS FROM CRAZED KILLER, TRIPS ON ROOT Fearing that a recently escaped prisoner would cause injury to her, Marlowe resident Jane Nesbitt fled the bathtub where she was showering and ran into a dark forest dressed only in a bathrobe. Reports state that the maniac was followly closely behind her, walking leisurely, but keeping pace... READ MORE PROFESSOR CONCEDES TO HAVING CREATED BABY IN UNIVERSITY - OWNED TEST TUBE Mass communications professor Gerald Biztro claims that he did not realize at the time that his semen had come in contact with the piece of laboratory equipment... READ MORE STUDENT ADMITS THAT RESEARCH PAPER WAS BASED LARGELY ON NEWTONIAN OUTTAKES At an international press conference, second year UC-Berkeley graduate student Scott Limblifter admitted that "a significant portion" of the ground-breaking theoretical research he submitted to the National Physics Consortium was based on Isaac Newton's personal diary, which Limblifter's grandfather had given him as a small child... READ MORE VAGRANT DISCOVERS LONG-LOST SECRETS OF ENGLISH LANGUAGE Local transient and MIT graduate Gary Otto revealed at his latest office hours that if one were to integrate the English alphabet by a modulus of 27, he would discover that the Jews were behind it all... READ MORE

TERRORIST SUSPECT SENDS POLICE CRYPTIC PHOTOGRAPH... READ MORE LOCAL COMPANY RELEASES SUPER-RODENT A spokesperson for the HyperVermin Corporation announced today that a new breed of mega-rat patented by the 5-man start-up would be taking the streets by storm as early as last Tuesday... READ MORE BAY-AREA CYBER-RUFFIAN BREAKS PROMISE, SENDS HARASSING INSTANT MESSAGE Gary Pole of North Oakland, broke a long-standing promise to his cyber-buddy Larry Winthrop that he would no longer threaten his life via the internet. "I thought that he was a pretty good guy, but when I got that email [sic], I was really scared," remarked the victim, who asked not to be named but whose wish was ignored... READ MORE