File My Taxes I'm gonna do my taxes, I'm gonna do my taxes, I'm gonna file my taxes online. (Boy, now I want you to come out of that chicken shed, come out into the kitchen, and sing along with me.) I'm gonna do my taxes, I'm gonna file my taxes, I'm gonna file my taxes online. I'm gonna file my taxes, Mommy's gonna file her taxes, Bobby's gonna file his taxes online. I file my taxes online on something called the internet. It's something we use on this mechanical thing we keep on his desk. It's a thing called a computer. It's filled with silicon chips. It's got a bunch of shit in it and it's got a bunch of appendages. Every time you wanna do something on it you gotta buy new shit or you can't do it. Every two years it becomes obsolete just like my garden tools. My daddy was a cowhand, my mother was a kitchenhand, my daddy only had one hand till he went to the war. He stole a hand from a yellow man lying on the ground with a garbage can. Then he got back with the hand sewed on from the war. Daddy died in Vietnam, then he died in Korea, wait-- Wal-Mart parking lot. Daddy died in Vietnam but it turned out to be a giant scam to get the government to pay him spam. Fuck, fucking shit. The Quintessential Russian He's the kind of guy who's the quintessential Russian. The kind of guy who's the quintessential Russian. He stands around drinking vodka, playing up all these Russian stereotypes. He eats lots of potatoes, gets drunk, lies around, becoming a communist I saw him personally hang capitalism, with a rope that he sold to a Swede. He's the stereotypical Russian. Does all the kinds of things that Polish people do. If you thought that was some kind of high-brow joke it really wasn't. It didn't make any sense. Rock Lizard Rock Lizard attacks me every morning. Rock lizard why can't we be friends? Rock lizard why must we go through this? Oh rock lizard, why has fate brought us here? Rock lizard, from where do you come? Oh rock lizard, from where do you come? Oh pixelated figure walking across the horizon. Waiting to slay me with his sling, or some other mystical weapon of yore, the Rock lizard, Rock and Roll! The Critical Moment I’m getting so frustrated by playing a video game because I'm not experiencing the suspension of reality that would allow me to pretend I'm the president of the United States and bomb the world. Would the real president experience the blue screen of death at the critical moment? Gunemployment Unemployment compensation’s not enough. I never want to get a job again. I want to spend all my time lounging around, wasting away in my crib. Don't wanna take care of my kids, don't wanna save the environment. I don't wanna do anything constructive with my time. I don’t give a shit about anybody else. Not even me. I don’t give a fuck about anything like trees, cars, the environment or paying my taxes. All I wanna do is collect some guns, stockpile them in my closet. I keep live ammunition lying around. I keep every one of my guns loaded in a room where all my kids are playing. I don’t put the safety on. I let them play with guns. I let them play with video games. I like to let my kids play with guns, They never hurt anyone. I let my kids play around with poison. They drink ammonia every night. I’m gonna log on to Google dot com and find the cheapest Uzi I can buy. Here’s one in the Land’s End catalogue, somewhere on page fifty-nine. Gonna buy it now, overnight shipping. Only $6.99 for a hundred rounds of ammo. Stepfrog Phone Step frog phone, Won’t you cut to the bone? Yeah baby. Demons with Backpacks Demons in the mist come equipped with backpacks. A fanciful realm of artificial life, so much more stimulating than real life. Cuz I can do what I want, I can destroy what I want, I can kill whom I want, without repercussions. Flying pink things attacking me, I'm holding my sword. A flying buzzard, lying on the ground, as I walk over him, to no-man's land. No goal in mind, no thing to do. Just wasting time on a Sunday afternoon. My Life Sucks My life sucks and I'm too lazy to do anything about it, so I'm gonna sleep. Life sucks, it's not worth living, so instead of killing myself, I'm gonna make everyone else’s life a living hell. So they can sympathize with me and know what it's like to live in a living hell. Five Million I have over 5 million CD's and none of them are any good. So many years of labor gone down the drain. Armadillo Man Armadillo man where are you when I need ya? Armadillo man where are you when I need ya? Armadillo man where are you when I need ya? Trans-Am Every time I go out I see a Trans-am somewhere. They're always black and they've always got some guy listening to Led Zeppelin inside. Oh they've always got mullets and they're hanging out. One of their tires is always bald, and they're always swerving all over the place, from doing doughnuts to impress the girls. The ones that are inside their car, screaming at the top of her lungs, asking him to stop the car so she can get out. Nobody Understands I lie on my goose feather pillow, with a sack of gold on my chest. Nobody understands me baby, nobody knows what it's like to be, down on your luck, with a sack of gold on your chest. Nobody knows what it's like to be a poor man with a lot of gold. A lot of gold, a lot of expensive shit, but still being poor. You know why baby, you know why? I was charged with the sacred quest of protecting this gold. I can't sell it to no one. I swear that I've got a pot of gold, but you'll have to buy me dinner. I'm like Axl Rose and I'm your charity case, So buy me something to eat. I’d have me up another cigarette but I can't see Solitare Oh, when I'm really bored at work, I just open up the solitaire game and while hours away. And if the boss should happen to walk into the room, I'd just quickly switch windows and go to a spreadsheet, that looks like I'm tabulating important information, but I'm really not. War Not want to have my Hands on my head, Hairs are standing up straight, everybody standing against the wall, they're gonna crucify ya today. Put on your helmet, we're going to war, today I'm gonna die. Everybody's gonna die, everybody's gonna die, everybody's gonna die. Even you. Glass in my Eye I have a piece of glass in my eye. I have a piece of glass in my eye. I have a piece of glass in my eye. And it's 1995, and I still cannot drive, cuz I’ve got no car. I have a piece of glass in my eye, I have a piece of glass in my eye, I have a piece of glass, I have a piece of glass, It's creating such a mess. I have a piece of glass in my eye. Take a Ride with Me Won't you take a ride with me to the place where no one cares? It's called, talking to me baby. You know I don't give a damn about anything at all. Baby, take a ride with me to the place where no one cares. Won't you take a ride with me to the place where no one cares. Won't ya take another ride with me to the place where no one cares. I'm a, fool for your love baby. Don't you know that I'm a bear. Why don't ya take a ride with me baby, place where no one cares. It's a darkened room lit by candles and gnomes all over the walls. And expensive oils from places you've never been That you've been and you never will. Addiction I can't escape this game, it just took over my life. I can't pry myself away from it, it fits the classical definition of addiction. Everybody loves addiction, everybody loves me. Everybody loves addiction. Dictionary. Tokyo Correspondent Life in the public’s dropping dead. They put it In my head. I could never think of you, baby Be my Tokyo correspondent baby. Be my Tokyo correspondent baby, okay cool! Laptop Somebody took my laptop. Somebody took my laptop. Somebody took my laptop. And I'm pretty fucking happy about it. Pretty fucking happy about it. Just to Piss You Off Hey baby, why did you have to fucking leave me? It's time for my revenge. I'm gonna get with another girl that I don’t even like, just to make you jealous baby. I'm gonna get with some old broad missing all of her teeth. I'm gonna get with someone you really hate. I'm gonna spend my life trying to piss you off. Gonna live in denial, live in regret, for the rest of your life baby. You’re gonna live in regret for the rest of your life, oh baby. You’re never gonna get a job again. This Isn't That Bob Dylan Song No, this isn't that Bob Dylan song. I wrote this all by myself. Get Out Honey I'm leaving you. There's some string beans in the microwave if you're hungry. But everything else is mine Every goddamn other thing in this house, including all the condiments, all of these used pieces of soap with hair stuck to them, they're all mine! Every last goddamn one of em. I’m gonna give you two seconds to get the fuck off my property, before I give it to you and I leave. Cuz I love you, yes I love you, yes I love you, yes I love you, baby. Legal Immunity Maybe what I need is legal immunity, so I can do anything I want, and I can't get busted. Maybe what I'll do is drive an SUV in the fast lane. And flip it over on top of another car full of young children going to school. Congressman can do it and nothing ever happens to them. Body Fluid Cleanup Kit I was riding home from school, on an otherwise unremarkable day. I was sitting in row twenty seven of a Bluebird bus. And something caught my eye that would change my life. And I knew that was it. It was my Body fluid cleanup kit, yeah. It was my body fluid cleanup kit, yeah. It was my body fluid cleanup kit, yeah. It was my body fluid cleanup kit. Now my life’s turned upside-down in oh-so many ways. People talk to me. Especially girls. Even the bus driver’s got a nod and a smile. And he doesn't just make small talk. It's important stuff. And it's all because of it. It was my body fluid cleanup kit, yeah. It was my body fluid cleanup kit, yeah. It was my body fluid cleanup kit, yeah. It was my body fluid cleanup kit, yeah. It was my body fluid cleanup kit. Yeah, it was my body fluid cleanup kit. Now the skies are so blue, and the sun is shining too. And I'm working on a Ph.D down at MIT. And I've got a used Benz[ino], and people got respect for me And its all because of it. It was my body fluid cleanup kit, yeah. It was my body fluid cleanup kit, yeah. It was my body fluid cleanup kit, yeah. It was my body fluid cleanup kit, yeah. It was my body fluid cleanup kit, yeah. It was my body fluid cleanup kit, yeah. It was my body fluid cleanup kit. Getting Pregnant There's a great new trend going around. It’s called getting pregnant, when you're really young. Everybody's doing it-- only cool people can. There's a really cool thing going around. It’s called getting AIDS when you're really young and dying at an even younger age then when you got it. Video Card I could be giving my money to something worthwhile, but I think I'll just buy a video card. I don't give a shit about any one else, cuz I wanna play a video game. I could be donating my refund so somebody has a home to live in. So they won't be rotting in the street, but instead I'm gonna buy me a couple more beers, alright. I could be giving my money to something that keeps ecosystem in balance. So I won't die and there won't be giant tidal waves, that destroy everything in sight. But I don't give a shit about all that, because I'm gonna buy me a video card, alright. I Don't Make Enough Money I don't make enough money. I don't make enough money to eat, I don't make enough money to sleep, I don't make enough money to live. Another Day in Suburbia Phone cords falling all over the place, the rain's coming down really hard today. The grass is still blue and everybody's drowning in their swimming pools. Just another day in suburbia. Just another day living in hell. Just another day living in suburbia. The Shoe's on the Wrong Foot When you leave the cheesecake in the fridge it just gets too goddamn soft. It's just not the consistency it’s supposed to be. It's too goddamn soft, It's too goddamn soft, It's too goddamn soft. Just like you, yeah! I'm not talking about emotionally, I'm talking about physically. No that was backwards. Were You There for That Session Someday when this album gets really big Someone will ask you, were you there for the sessions of that song that goes, “were you for the sessions of that song?” And you'll be like, I went to hang out with this guy in some dingy bar on the edge of town. It was really bad. I wish I hadn't done it. I wish I hadn't gone to that bar. It was really a bad experience, it was really really bad, it was really really really really bad really really really bad, it was really really really really bad, It was the worst experience of my life. But I could have been home listening to that song being laid down. The one that goes 'were you there for that session?', the one that goes 'were you there for that session?', were you there for that session, were you there for that session, were you there for that, were you there for that session. Camping in an Oxygen Tent I'm gonna go camping in an oxygen tent. I'm gonna go camping in an oxygen tent. I'm gonna go camping in an oxygen tent. I'm gonna go camping. I'm gonna go Frampton tonight. Do you feel like I do? In the Long Run Let's clutter our house with shit we don't need. It'll make us feel better in the long run, yeah. My Dungeon of Despair My sunburn is so bad. My face is covered in scabs. I lay inside away from the sun, lying in a dungeon of despair. I play a lot of video games, I’ve given all I have I’m going insane playing my video games. I'm an elf cleric with plus three hit points, magic and experience, twenty-three agility, charisma and intelligence. Wisdom and magic points. Someone Turn This Goddamn Recorder Off Somebody turn this goddamn recorder off. Nothing worthwhile’s coming out my mouth Nothing worthwhile's gonna come out today. Chaka Khan Chaka Khan is somebody who’s in the music industry, but I still don't know who the hell he or she is, even though they're on every single goddamn album that's come out since 1980. Watering Down the Legacy This is a lot like releasing a really goddamn good album and then following it up with some really bad shit, trying to relive past glory. It doesn't really do a good job and all your fans abandon you and you lose your house and you gotta live in a truck, cuz you can't afford the mortgage payments no more. That's what it's a lot like but we never had any fans to begin with. So nothings really changed. I still got my job and a run-down house to come home to in the evening. I get drunk, all by myself, all by myself, all by myself. Watering down our legacy. Games Can Be So Unfair Sometimes games can be so unfair. Especially when they’re devised by a computer that doesn’t understand the limitations of being human. I Blew my Brains Out on the Moon If you had a gun on the moon would you be able to blow your brains out? I'm not really sure if you could fire the gun and if you did would the bullet actually go through you brain? I'm not really sure yet. I'm gonna have to consult a physicist. There's one where I work, at McDonalds. He just doesn't apply himself. Would the blood that went through your brain fly off into space? Too Many Times (To Be Bad Luck) I've had these problems too many times to call it just bad luck. I've had this problem too many times to call it bad luck. I've played guitar too many times for it to be bad luck. Horses Horses drowning in my kitchen sink. Holy Grail After I find the Holy Grail I'm gonna retire to my castle. There's no roof but I don't really care because the rain don't come in cuz it's not really raining at this moment in time. Most Unusual Day My alarm clock went off this morning at 6:15, just like normal. But everything was anything but normal. The person who usually sleeps next to me was there. It was a most unusual day. A most unusual day. Mongolia Elastic band, elastic band. It keeps my pants up and down. Elastic band, elastic band. It keeps my pants up, And then again, Maybe it doesn't do even that. Because it keeps breaking all the time. I've got an expanding waistline. Is that a crime, baby? It's really not-- at least not in Mongolia. Midwest Rockers Midwest rockers, Like that one guy: John Cougar Mellencamp, Bob Seger. They really speak to the beer drinking public. They really speak to blue-collared losers who spend their weekends under trucks. Chain smoking, beer guzzling, A million people with pickup trucks, who spend their lives mutilating themselves and beating their wives. I guess that’s what America's all about. It's what everybody does. Everybody cuts themselves up with knives and guns. I'm Gonna Go (to the Pharmacy) I'm gonna go to the pharmacy, the pharmacy, the pharmacy. Everybody's fault (but mine) Sometimes things don't work out the way they should and it's everybody's fault but mine. Hard up When I get hard up for ideas I just move the capo. When I get real hard up for ideas I just move up the capo. When I get hard up for ideas I just move up the capo and repeat the same lyrics over and over. My Cabin on the Moon Would you like to join me in my cabin on the moon? I Got So Drunk I'm gonna go to college, there's gonna be a bunch of 15 year olds there. Because I didn't go to college the first time they'll be on my intellectual level. We'll be talking about girls! And hanging out in shopping malls alone after dark! And gettin' drunk! Hey, I got real drunk last weekend and I want everyone to know just how drunk I got! And I'm gonna brag about it! Cuz this is what I do when I get real drunk. [gibberish], baby, I make a big fuss. Pickup trucks are the greatest thing man has ever known. Renting a Movie My life is absolutely worthless so I'm gonna rent a movie. Ain't No friend You ain't no friend of mine, baby. You ain't no friend of mine, baby. You can go to hell. I Don't Need No Clone I don't need anybody else to be who I am, cuz I am doing a perfect job myself. I don't need a clone doing the things that I do. And everybody's doing it. Everybody wants to be me. Velvet Revolver I formed a band with former members of Guns and Roses. Larry King Larry King Live, he should get new glasses. Get married one more time. He's only been married fifteen times to fifteen different women. Actually I think two of those women were the same before they had sex changes and turned into men. And now I don't know what sex I am. Giant Stone Slab Giant stone slab with writing on it. Ancient text from another land. Mystical Quest! Written in the 748th crystal era of Vana'diel's realm. Mystical realm of horses and unicorns and Morse code. People who rhyme with horses and lies betrayed with a kiss. Asthmaboy runs across the field holding a gun which he does wield. A turtle man attacks me with his sword. If things don't work out I always kind of figured that if nothing really worked out, I would always have beer and movies, to see and drink, but not respectively. If I got unemployment— not talking about the money— but if I actually received the state of unemployment, I'd spend all my time and money, buying beer and movies. Buying movies, buying movies, buying the rights to movies. I always figured if nothing worked out, I would just hang around getting real drunk and sitting around and watching TV. Playing lots and lots of lots of lots of lots of lots of lots of lots of lots of lots of lots of lots of video games. I guess I should read a book, but my local library doesn't really do the whole book thing at all. City council decided it was a waste of money to spend all that money on books when they could be buying all these really bad DVD's of overpriced Hollywood movies, yeah. When I'm Rich I don't wanna go to your cabin in the woods, I don't wanna live inside of the hood. I just wanna move to the suburbs. Maybe when I get a lot of money I'll be able to have my very own phone. E.T., come home. Twenty years later I’ve got my own house, I've got my own phone. I've got a personal maid who steals my money and possessions. Matt Drudge Hello my name is Matt Drudge and I'm only aware of one font. It also by no small coincidence happens to be the ugliest font in the world. Using that font is like dating the ugliest girl in high school and bragging about it. Really Nice Speakers My latest investment was a set of speakers that I bought off the street. The guy said it was a really good deal and he had a couple of extra pairs that he really needed to get rid of really quick. His boss sent him on the street to get rid of them at a $700 discount. Leaving you to pay the extraordinary price of $1200. What a deal that would be, to have these speakers in your living room. It'd be worth more than you. It would be worth more than your family. It would be worth your life. Guitar River Down to guitar river, that's where I wanna die. Playing guitars in the sky, where the river is… Guitar river, sky river, dog river. Cowbear The Cowbear attacks me. It's invading my lawn. It attacked me. It spit some cud on my face. It's the Cowbear. It invades my lawn. I wish it would go away, it would go away. I wish it would go away. It was the Cowbear. We want no bear It was the Cowbear. It attacked me on my lawn; on private property. It just came in my yard without my permission. That's called tresspassing. U.S. penal code 293070.1 Prince Hi I'm prince, hurt me. I'm Prince in 1983. Spotlight's on me motherfucker. Song for GWB Lying on the ground covered in puke. Dying on the ground covered in puke. Lying on the ground covered in puke. Let's drop us a nuke. Across the Neon Sunset She’s a willow winged compatriot well-versed in the ways of foundation rehabilitation Abandoned its peers for a life bettered by the ways of modern living-- a havoc wreaked upon the nonbelievers, unaware of the follies of their ways listening impatiently as the cannons blaze, across the Neon Sunset ICBM Intercontinental Ballistic missile comes over every day. Intercontinental Ballistic missile comes over every night. I keep getting the distinct feeling that it’s gonna blow up in my face. I can't get over that sensation it's gonna blow up in my face. Intercontinental Ballistic Missile comes over every night. Intercontinental Ballistic Missile comes over every day. I keep getting the distinct feeling that it's gonna blow up in my face, figuratively of course. My Friend Batman My friend Batman, he was a man, he was a bat. My friend Batman. My, my friend Batman. My friend Batman is a really good guy. He likes to eat motherfucking French fries. My friend Batman is a really good guy. I signed him up on Friendster so people could meet with him. My friend Batman is a really cool guy. He sits with me and eats hamburgers and french-fries. My friend Batman's a really cool fucker. He's a motherfucking trucker. Driving cross the country, taking lots of speed. If he doesn't break the speed limit, he'll O.D. This is a Song That Only Has One Chord This is a song that only has one chord. This is a song that only has one chord. This is a song that only has one chord. Chachu Chachu, Chachu please down me. Chachu, Chachu please down me. Chachu was a good man, he died with a broken heart. Chachu wasn't a bad man, he just never went far. Chachu, Chachu please down me. Chachu, Chachu please down me. Chachu was a good man, he died with a broken wrist. Chachu was a bad man, he ceased to coexist. Chachu oh Chachu, please down me. Chachu oh Chachu, please down me. |