The Cuban Missile Crisis was a time in the 1960s when the United States was hoarding all the world's nucular material and people in other countries didn't have the money or resources to build bombs to blow us up. Then, in 1962, Fidel Castro, who was the president of Cuba, found out that the nucular weapons facilities in Havana hadn't been building destructive artillery for almost a year because they didn't have any radioactive mutagens to work with. Unfortunately, the head of his weapons processing plant, Gen. Lupe Garcia Arredondo didn't inform Castro about this, and was spending his time collecting Camel Cash so he could buy a river raft.

Fidel Castro was pretty pissed off and declared a Cuban Missile Crisis. But then he got an idea. Instead of putting lethal material in the new bombs that he designed himself, what if he ordered his slaves and constituents to start pooping inside of a hollowed out bomb casing? With this free form of weaponry, he could unleash a wave of plague and feces on the United States, and take over the world.

But thanks to amazing US intelligence, President John F. Kennedy found out about the poop bomb and got on the next boat that was in the Potomac River. This boat was called the PT-109. As it sailed towards Cuba, the boat was hit by a deadly ice storm, but Kennedy heroically saved everyone on board-- except Lee Marvin, who went on to become a great actor. But that's a different story.

Anyway, when the boat docked at Havana, Cuba, President Kennedy walked over to Castro's mansion. He noticed a funny smell around the premises and so he walked around to the back, where he saw a shed full of feces and stuff. Thankfully, JFK didn't have a very strong sense of smell because he was used to chain smoking blunts in the Oval Office, and when you smoke a lot you lose your sense of smell. Anyway, Kennedy then walked into the front door and asked the receptionist if he could talk to Castro.

She told him that he was in a meeting, and asked if he could wait a few minutes. He said that he could, but that he was in a hurry. While sitting in the waiting room, he saw some nudie magazines, but he didn't read them because he was regularly having sexual intercourse with Madelaine Albright, who was then considered the sexiest woman on the planet. She was in a famous issue of Playboy where she was standing in a subway station and her dress was blowing up, which was quite scandalous at the time.

Finally, when Castro called Kennedy in, they sat down across from each other, and talked about the poop bomb and how the US was stockpiling the nu-cular mutagens. Over a honey blunt, they both decided that the poop bomb was the more humane way to cause destruction, and so President Kennedy decided that when he got home to Washington, D.C., he would abandon the arms race and dump all of America's nucular radiation into the nation's drinking suppy.

But as Kennedy's motorcade was riding down Rodeo Boulevard in the snazzy shopping district of Havana, two separate gunmen, one on the top of a pudding factory and another on a "grassy knoll," shot Kennedy, who was at the time negotiating a land deal with a Dallas nightclub owner.

Since Kennedy was dead and never got home to destroy the weapons project, America never got rid of their nucular materials. One week later, on September 11, 2001, Cuba launched a poop bomb into the World Trade Center.